I want to stick my p in your. b.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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