she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
