Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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