Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
