He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
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The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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