How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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