Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
