yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
