Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
