I think I died a long time ago.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
