I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
