I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
