We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
