That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
