I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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