I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
