he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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