My liver just broke up with me...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
