i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
