i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
