So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
