Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
