I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
