her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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