Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
