Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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