just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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