WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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