Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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