So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.