I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
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Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.