New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
