Already got asked if we're dating
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
