the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish you could order shots online.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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