im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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