Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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