I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
