Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
