good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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