Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
worst night to have a conscience
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
