I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
