well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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