Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
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Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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