bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
