i love accidental penises.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
