accomplished twins. life is a go
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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