You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just pee around me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
