Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
