He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
