I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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