Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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