My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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