You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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