Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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