Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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