dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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