I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
