Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
