yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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