I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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