I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize