i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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