When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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