real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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