I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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