I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
