My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
