TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I did not marry a roomba.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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