I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
