Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
