I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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