when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no, he came in my armpit
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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